January 18th, 2012 | Surrender

Throughout this winter I have been challenged by a pretty heavy infection that became septic and paralyzed my immune system. While I am no longer sick, the process was demanding, tiring and sucked about every ounce of positivity left in my body. I saw several doctors telling me different things, tried various forms of western medication (which is foreign to me) and spent a lot of time in bed or on the couch.

Needless to say I felt weak, powerless and ready to give in to the sickness. Everyday my symptoms continued to get worse and so did my attitude. I gave my power away. I gave it to the doctors. I gave it to the junk food I was craving due to the heavy antibiotics and steroids. I gave it to the lazy days spent indoors. While I gave up my power, I also gave up my strength. Why would I do this? Because I was desperate. I was desperate to see change. My body was in pain, my mind was weak and my spirit was low. While the pattern of sickness continued to grow I knew it had to stop.

So I turned off the TV and meditated. I heard something inside saying “you can beat this.” The voice sounded so distant, but it was was familiar. I knew in my heart that the doctors were only treating the symptom and not the root cause. I had to get to the bottom of it, so  I took a risk. I surrendered to the pain I was feeling. In that moment I knew It would be hard work, but the truth of my sickness would only be found if I was both willing and able to listen.

Gaining back my immune was the hardest part. With little to no white blood cells in my body and no bacteria, my body was left to fend for it self. So I replaced the medication with all natural remedies… I put down the comfort food and replaced it with vegetable juice and kale salads… I started to walk and eventually back up to speed with running and practiced gentler forms of yoga at home. Sure enough, and within no time my body reacted well. I started getting better. I was gaining the power back, that I so mindlessly gave away.

In hindsight, if I had trusted myself to begin with it probably wouldn’t have gotten so terrible. Though, had I not gone through this I wouldn’t have realized how much I appreciated my health. I have generally been pretty healthy my entire life, and this challenged every part of my structure.

And it wasn’t until the other day I really experienced what surrender truly meant. I was teaching a class and had everybody in Parivrtta Anjaneyasana (Revolved Crescent Lunge).  I could see the struggle my students were facing. Some were teetering back and forth and some falling over due to the mental blocks I could see in their clenched jaws and red faces. In the middle of the deep twist I told everyone to come back the breath and maybe even smile. The truth of surrender became apparent. My students became more engaged, and light through the faces. This pose became something to gain from rather to fear. Although twisting major internal organs may be difficult the benefits of release can only happen when you are willing to let go. 

The practice of asana shows us when reach a challenging posture its how we sustain ourself in the process. In the moment we reach our point of struggle how do we gain the strength to persevere? By surrendering to the breath, allowing it to flow freely, but listen the guide within. Be present to the not only your surroundings, but what the heart is telling you.

Mine told me that I wasn’t sick anymore, so I believed it.